A · Fellow · of · Infinite · Jest...

Let this be the YEAR OF INCONSISTENT POSTING and ALL CAPS. So mote it be. Make it so. Engage, Mr. Crusher. So say we all. Warp 3 Mr Sulu (and then Sulu answers, in that voice made of honey from the devil's apiary,) AYE, Sir.

What is up with Sci-Fi and the catch phrases? I think it's all about building an alternate reality. You see, when they say "FRAK" when they mean to say "Darn it," then the audience knows we aren't in Kansas anymore, Toto. I would have thought the spaceships would be enough, but hey, I don't get paid to write.

Speaking of that, we finally got around to seeing District 9, we saw it in the Red Vic. I gotta say, that was some first-class filmmaking and I recommend it to everyone. It's a movie that Michael Bay WISHES he could make. They left the box open for a sequel. I hope they don't go there, but if they do, I would buy a ticket, unless it had Colin Farrel in it. (Don't get me started on Colin Farrel, or Colin Firth, for that matter. In fact, I am pretty suspicious of Colin Powell as well nowadays. Co-incidence? I THINK NOT.)

Is there going to be any content, Steffan? Or are you once again treating us to your rather odd stream of consciousness ranting?

You wish you knew.

I bought a very old track machinist's toolbox on ebay for my printmaking tools. It's about 50 to 100 years old and looks like a very old suitcase, but a suitcase full of BLUES, baby. Then it opens at the top and front and there are nine wooden drawers inside. Since it was made to haul around machinist's tools, it's all re-enforced with metal bits all over the place. It's the bomb, and if I left it in front of the federal building, it would assuredly be called in as a bomb. It says "suspicious suitcase" all over it. I would love to get a sticker that said that for the side. "Suspicious suitcase, call authorities." Would people wonder why it was labeled? Probably not, and I'd never be able to take it anyplace.

At work I am moving out of my department, data management, into something called "production surveillance" which sounds really weird. It is actually a fantastic job, involving deconstruction of databases that we have built before and then building a model db based upon how we feel it should work, and then using timestamps, roll the database back in time, and advance it one day at a time, comparing our predictions of what should occur to the actual events, and then investigating any discrepancies. In a Rumsfeldian sense, we are seeking the Unknown-Unknowns, which is just the kind of job for me. Forensic data nitpicking. Along with the new job comes a new title "Technical Data Analyst" (like it? No? I got to make it up myself. It was my second choice, the management nixed "Special Data Assault Operations Operative, Level 42.") Along with that comes a small pay bump, and HUGE resume cred. But no easier time describing what the heck it is that I do. Usually people glaze over, then think "wait, that's something to do with computers!" and invariably ask them if I can fix this problem they have with Vista.

Please send me a check and I will tell you what the idea is.

Just so you know I am serious, and not some crackpot running a scam, I will tell you the first part now...

"WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU GATORS..."

Pretty interesting, right? I have your attention now I bet! You are wondering, "what would we do in this scenario," and you are DRAWING A BLANK. Unless you are Steve Irwin, and I SPECIFICIALLY waited until he died to submit this, so I bet you are all abuzz with excitement after THAT set up.

I will let you know the last part when the check clears, because I am NO FOOL.

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Steffan R. Ziegler

First off, it's one of those unusual items that did not exist prior to its fictionalized counterpart. The props department (according to legend, one "Edward T. McAvoy,") spraypainted the stapler red to make it stand out a little more as a visual icon, and to make it far more obvious that this was indeed a personal stapler. The swingline company got so much cult demand for the item that they began manufacturing a red model, and selling them through boutique outlets, like thinkgeek and slashdot.

But aside from all that trivia, I am beginning to see it as a sort of icon of workplace dissatisfaction. About two years ago, an employee that works in my office was fired, and on his last day, he put up a picture of a red swingline stapler on his old boss' door. I've seen the red stapler print out a few times since (as well as "The Office" driven staplers imbedded in Jello...)

I am wondering if this type of thing will be the gradual beginning of an iconic insult that you deliver to your employer upon your termination, or when you quit. Maybe it will enter modern parlance, to indicate a situation where the worker is unhappy with the employer, (sort of the opposite of "pink slip,") and many years from now, kids will say "I used to work there till I gave them the red stapler for another firm that paid much more," or they will threaten management with "either a raise or a red stapler."

It's about time we had an icon like that, I think.

A co-worker said he got off the elevator and heard "heavy breathing," and when he rounded the corner, one dude was beating the tar out of another.

My co-worker stuck around and gave his statement to the cops, and because of this, he heard the story.

Dude 1 apparently pees all over the toilet seat, all the time.

Dude 2 is uptight about that, and puts up little notes in the bathroom. I took a picture of one last September:

Anyhow. Dude 2 was in the bathroom and FINALLY caught Dude 1 in the act, so he confronted him about it, and Dude 1 beat the tar out of him.

Peeing on the seat, is very serious business.

tiny_dr_freud

http://tiny-dr-freud.livejournal.com/533.html#cutid1

Well, that thing is rolling around in my head, damn near perfectly formed, from beginning to end, ready to unspool onto the page, and it's driving me crazy.

I just don't have the time or energy to let it out.

It's rare that I get an idea that has such a complete story arc, usually I'm making it up as I go. usually when I have a complete story, I've stolen it from someplace.

The really sad part is that the part I *did* write is just the intro, the technical part, and it was designed to be a technical whitepaper, so by its nature, it is a little dry.

The story isn't dry in the slightest, I promise.

Anyhow, someday I'll finish it.

"Last night the wife said, poor boy, when you're dead, you won't take nothin with you but your soul."

-The ballad of john and yoko.

My pop used to have a CB Radio back when I was four or five. I remember that his call sign was Poor Boy.

There is something to be said about being poor (yeah, IT SUCKS) but in all honesty, I don't know anyone who has all they need, or at least, who *thinks* they have all they need. Having things, seems to be a route to having more things.

Pursuit of things, ultimately, does little to make you feel whole inside.

In the fantastically under-appreciated film, "Gremlins 2," there is a real estate magnate who watches as the tiny monsters tear apart his high rise. When asked if he felt bad about the ruin, he said, "...maybe it wasn't a place for people anyway. It was a place for things. You make a place for things...(and) things come to live in it." Maybe it's the same if you make your life a place for things.

What would you do if you had to settle for what you have? What would you do if you couldn't have any of it tomorrow, but you could still do whatever you wanted to?

That is what you NEED to be doing, right now.

...In the future, a bug-rich diet is all but unavoidable if we don't want to continue polluting our ever more overpopulated planet or end up eating soylent green. As (William) Lyons (of Ohio State University) points out, " If the U.S. Food and Drug Administration would relax the limit for insects and their parts (double the allowance) in food crops, U.S. farmers could significantly apply less pesticide each year." He also adds that the insects we do eat and don't know about actually boost the nutrition content of the foods they fall into. Which would you rather have less protein or less DDT?

I think I qualify by now as an expert. I've been noting and jotting down some "rules of crisis" on my various whiteboards forever, and I thought I'd share my refined list:

1) Crisis is sometimes not a crisis.

Try not to let other people define your crisis. Whether it's chicken little, the boy who cried wolf, or just Somebody Else's Problem, sometimes people blow things out of proportion and they just are not correct in their assessment of the issues.

2) Crisis manifests at the narrow end of the funnel.

Like an iceberg, 2/3rds of any crisis is submerged. The point of pressure isn't the point where things are going wrong. Examine the whole process!

3) Unresolved crisis expands to fill any available resources.

Crisis abhors a resource. It eats time and people. Furthermore, you can't usually staff your way out of a crisis. Unresolved issues and bad policy are not eliminated by more players or more time in the game. This only results in more people doing it wrong longer.

4) Crisis does not resolve itself.

If you had a crisis and it's gone, find out who fixed it. If no one fixed it, then it's probably still a crisis.

5) Sometimes you are the crisis.

Through ignorance, negligence, or sheer stubbornness, you could be part of the problem. Ask yourself; "Can this be resolved by removing me from the process?"

WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I'M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I'M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I'M NOT AND I'M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN'T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF.

chiller

At work I often have to troubleshoot issues and explain what occurred when end-users screw up the data, and then further complicate things by screwing up the data change requests.

I used to give thorough comprehensive explanations, starting with the background, then go into how this occurred, what was done to correct, how we can prevent for the future, etc. Nothing extra, just the issue and the possible actions, so that the Project Manager can recommend a path to the client. These emails are rarely more than 1000 words. Usually much less.

My boss recently brought me in to say that he was concerned about the time it took to write these, and asked me to "twitter"-ize my emails.

"Just one or two sentences, Steffan. If people want to know the background, they'll contact you. No one has time to read all those paragraphs anymore, especially when you are looking at it on a blackberry along with everything else you get in a day. Just tell them what they need to DO."

The fact that these people will be acting on a situation while essentially ignorant of the facts behind it, doesn't seem to be a problem.

All of the other responses to chiller's question were one line only. "Yep, been seeing it since 1996." etc. No long anecdote to relate, just "I-firmative, trend noted and catalogued."

I am a dinosaur.